my thoughts. my rants. me.

where i am.

this past weekend marks the most productivity that has occurred in my life for a very long time. when i really reflect back, i have possibly been “lazing” around since last summer till now.

in my opinion, i was very productive around the house. usually im not as productive as in i dont do things that are very noticeable to my parents.

finally this weekend, for the first time since i was in 4th grade, my dad praised me for having cleaning the house. i rearranged the living room in a way that it looks so bright with all the sunshine coming in you’d feel energized just sitting in there. my room has never looked better. it’s good enough to be a guest room!

secondly, i took control of my younger siblings. i assigned them chores, i told them to do things that they wouldn’t normally do thought it did take a louder voice and a more commanding tone.

that brings me to an idea or thought i had on friday night as i was doing my nails fully listening but semi watching an episode of new girl on my laptop. the episode was about how thew new girl wanted to get rid of schmidt’s compulsive and strict personality. in the episode as she was attempting to change his attitude, he claims that people become lazy because they lack structure in life.
his line really struck a nerve because i started thinking about how my parents let
me do whatever i want, they give me all the freedom any teenager would kill for, and yet it has affected me in a way that i dont even know what i want to do with all that freedom for my own life… which would be a good explanation for my failure in senior year of high school, my weight, uncontrollable cussing and my uncooperative siblings. i just didnt know what to do and didnt care to fix anything thinking that it didnt matter anyway.

so what i’m saying is… after that, episode of new girl, i need to have structure in my life i want to get somewhere, if i want to be someone, if i wanted something. and the next morning at 7 am i really laid down the law of the land and tried this whole “structure” way of life. and results were very clear over this weekend. so much was done. everyone was busy, and it opened my eyes to how much time i’ve wasted of my life just waiting for things to happen.
i’ve spent life waiting for people to tell me what to do because i grew up not knowing there is a structure to everything, that things need to get done even without being said.

my hope is that my siblings can learn from this and see that they too need to be doing things that are helping them in life or others in life even if no one is telling them to. its not that we grew up to be followers, only taking action when our parents need us, but we are too sheltered and need to see more of the world to know that its spinning while we’re in one place.

i’m in a very good place of mind right now. and i hope i keep going along with this groove i’ve formed for myself.